DAY 2 Alicia's thoughts...

It is day 2...after a long rest, I am finally feeling rejuvenated. It is 8:43, Sunday night. The city of Manila was absolutely breathtaking--all of it. I sat quietly in the back of the van--no words...I just took it all in. The monuments, the memorials, the markets, the children and the people. I found myself in absolute awe of this beautiful piece of the country. The history here is like no other. The politics, the family bonds, and the reclamation. The churches and cathedrals are massive--artistic. The streets on a Sunday are alive with food, busy vendors, and playing children. A Lent tradition finds families following down the streets to 7 churches. Even a live crucifiction takes place in many areas.

As we drove through the different cities surrounding Metro Manila, reality set in. We approached the city of Cavite--where Katrina's birth family resides. The area is composed of many "homes"crammed on top of one another by an offshoot, polluted river. There, I thought of the rest of her 8 brothers/sisters and her mother. I thought of Katrina's former outlook on life. After witnessing her unavoidable future, I felt a bit of the sadness I had felt for her birthmother settle--for many days throughout this process, I felt myself crying for Katrina's birthmother, Evelyn. I cried for the pain she must have felt--first, losing her husband (the main provider for her and her family of 9) and then, the sadness of having to entrust Katrina to others. I cried for the fact that I had been chosen to take on this great responsibility. What an honor it is to know that I have been blessed to share my life with this beautiful little girl from Cavite, Philippines.

Not only did thoughts of Katrina's birth family set in, thoughts of my own family began to set in. Thoughts of my grandfather growing up in this beautiful culture and country. I found myself overwhelmed with emotion as a little souvenier caught my eye--a "shell person." I had many of these--my grandfather brought them back with him and would give them to me. They still looked the same--with the googley eyes glued to them. My favorite one when I was little was a dog. I thought of my grandfather in a way that I had never thought of him before. He had in some way, guided me back to his country to see, experience, and appreciate my small bit of heritage. He had pulled me here to take care of one of "his" children. Katrina is now here for us to share and carry on this wonderful culture that was once shared in our family.

The thought that I was really here to meet my little girl--to support this little life--to become a mother--It was startling. I had dreamt of it, thought it over a million times, and played the movie in my head endlessly. I have to tell you that the emotions are overwhelming--excitement, peace, and the panic comes and goes. In 12 hours, I will go to Hospicia, meet a little angel that I had only seen in a picture at 13 months old, and leave her home with her. Frightening, isn't it? I wonder if I will be strong enough during her grieving time. It will be traumatic for her and will hurt her so. I wonder if she will feel comfort and adapt as children are so resiliant. I wonder if she will accept us as her family and understand that we were brought to her by the pull of the universe rather than "want" or "need." I wonder if she will keep her country and her people close to her heart and never neglect her country and culture here in the Philippines.

My stomach hurts, my hands are shaking. It's like when you finally make it to the top of the very first drop of a rollercoaster. You realize the biggest drop is just a moment away. You have that pause as the coaster balances at the top of the slope. Nobdoy says a word--you grip tight onto the lapbar. You are excited, you know it will be so much fun, but you know that the drop is so steep that you doubt that your stomach will be able to handle it. This is how it feels...Alicia Rae
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